$*%&!@#

Anyel and I went to the centro historico to walk around today, like we've done several times before, but this time will forever be in my memory. We had walked all through the plazas, seen some new parts on the hill, and were just about to return to the trolley. We were walking in an unfamiliar part, but it was a big, open plaza much like the others. As we passed a small group of people chatting outside of just another hole-in-the-wall store, a man approached us, stepped in front of me and said "Dáme tu cámara," (give me your camera) as he looked me right in the eyes and pulled at his jacket. I didn't hear him at first, and his hand motions made it look like he wanted my jacket for warmth. So I asked, "Perdon. ¿Cómo?" (Pardon. Hmm?) This time, more aggressively, he said "Dáme tu cámara, ve lo que tengo," (Give me your camera, look at what I have). His eyes were very wide, like he was frightened and nervous, and his feet were as shifty as his shoulders. He looked down, my eyes followed, and he opened his arms to reveal a large kitchen knife. I will never forget how the knife looked against his navy blue jacket, or the way his hand shook as he unfolded his arms to show us what he was hiding. I looked back up and said "No tengo cámara, señor. Tranquilo, por favor," (I don't have a camera, sir. Be calm, please) as I put my hands in the air and took a step back. I looked at the people standing next to us, my eyes pleading for help, and they started to retreat into the store. A number of things ran through my mind--Should we run? Should we go into the store? Should I give him my entire bag instead? Should I try to reason with him as best I can? Should I scream at the top of my lungs for help? Should I step in front of Anyel? His eyes got wider and he kind of stomped his feet as he turned to Anyel, "¡Dáme tu cámara!" She said, "Sí. Tengo cámara," (Yes, I have a camera). He took a step backward, then two closer as she searched in her bag. She handed him her camera, he took it, and proceeded down the street, threatening everyone who came close. The group of people were still standing in the doorway, trying not to make eye contact with us, not saying a word. I gaped at the for a minute before I realized what had just happened.

We walked quickly to the next corner before saying anything. I stopped and turned around to watch the man wander down the street and behind a building, absolutely stunned by what had just happened. Bewildered. In shock. I don't remember much of our conversation, but both of us were a complicated mix of furious, terrified, thankful, confused, frustrated... the list goes on. Anyel had used her camera about 10 minutes before and is sure that he saw us with it and was just waiting until there weren't any police. His mannerisms and bloodshot eyes were absolutey unnerving, and I feel like if the transaction had taken a few seconds longer he might have been a lot more dangerous. He appeared more than a little bit off, which made him appear unpredictable and absolutely terrifying. At least a foot shorter than both of us, we were completely at his mercy, and I think he knew it.

I can't believe that in those situations people just watch. They said nothing to us afterward, very awkwardly retreated when I looked to them for help, and probably have seen something like that happen before. There are police everywhere in this city, often in groups of 5-10, but it would have been absolutely pointless to try to find one and explain what happened. We were in one of the few spots without an officer on the corner, and in my two months here I feel almost as threatened by the police as I do protected by their presence. Or maybe just disgusted. Sometimes they're the worst about whistling or aggressively staring as we walk by. I believe that police should be public servants who provide security and peace of mind to those who abide by the social code. We were both very frustrated, feeling like there was nothing we could do in the moment, and there weren't any steps to take afterward. It's not like we could call somebody, find somebody and have them look for the man, or report it at a police station. We basically just continued like we had been, except walking a lot faster and feeling more frustrated and frightened by everyone we passed.

I'm still experiencing multiple emotions. I'm pretty pissed off, mostly because things like that happen in the world. The inner saint in me wants me to think that he needed it more than we did, so I guess we're just helping to distribute the resources in the world more equally. Maybe he has children to feed. BUT, right now the anger in me is winning and I don't want to be feeding his drug habit. I hope to goodness that nobody calls him Dad. I also hope I regret writing that later. I'm overwhelmed thinking about how bad it could have been, and how extremely lucky we were. He knew we had a camera and specifically asked for that, leaving us with all of our other belongings. He did nothing more than flash the knife, never pointing it at us, and really not even letting us see it for more than a second or two. Long enough to convince me to cooperate, however. We were together, and were able to give him exactly what he wanted without any struggle. We made it home safely, and actually laughed about it by the time we got on the trolley.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help muttering curse words under my breath each time a man whistled or said revolting things to us in english on the way home, and that frustrates me too. That man took Anyel's camera, yes, but he also gave me more fear and doubt and hate than I've felt in a long time. I am always cautious and aware of potentially tricky situations, but I don't actively fear for my physical safety. This kind of continuous fear is something I've never experienced. I also have not been so angry at a person, nor felt so helpless in my situation. I wanted to physically injure him afterward, and I wanted to scream at the men who whistled. I felt like every man was a thief, and I felt physically sick at the machismo culture in this world that makes it an unsafe and threatening place for women. I have always been frustrated by the fact that a man's presence is more threatening than a woman's. I constantly, conciously compete with men for any number of things, and I feel more and more aware of the female role that is propagandized and taught and expected in my life.

But I won't and don't accept that. A woman should be able to walk home in the dark from the trolley station. A woman should be able to pass a group of men without feeling their stares up and down her body. A woman should be able to be forceful and direct the way a man can be. A woman should be able to live and love and express freely. As should a man. These are human rights. A tourist should be able to take a picture in broad daylight, and return home with the camera safely stored in a bag. A person should be able to ask help from a stranger and get just that. People should also have a home, food, healthcare, basic needs, something to occupy their time, and all the happiness they actively seek. The world should be perfect.

At this very moment, all I'm actually asking for is my safety, and that I have. Tomorrow, I'll work on changing the world. Tonight, I'll go to bed graciously thanking Mother God for my life and the life of my dear, dear friend.

I am humbled, and better educated, and feel like I have a whole new type of life experience under my belt.

I mean it, with all of my rapidly beating heart, when I say that I love you all and I am glad you are a part of my life. Big or small, frequently or occasionally, crying or laughing, speaking or listening, you are a part of my life. I use the word love casually at certain times, and very seriously at others. Seriously, sincerely, and certainly not casually, I love you and miss you. I hope you are safe, well, and as thankful as can be.

Please do something nice for the next person you see.